Improving your finances doesn't need to be a huge undertaking. 30. But a confident bald man theres your diamond in the rough. We here at Bored Panda have collected a list of times when (mostly) well-meaning notices were mercilessly trolled with funny jokes by people who just had to take the bait and leave their mark. You should eat some of that makeup, so you can be pretty on the inside. Ex: Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time. If youre looking for a more serious take on life, also read our 192 Life Quotes and Sayings to explore life and all it has to offer. There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable.There is another theory which states that this has already happened. Random Odds are. The engineer replies "After a careful structural analysis, I calculate a 99.7% chance of crossing this bridge safely." 67. ~ George Carlin, Im so poor I cant pay attention. [Read: How to be a fun texter and make anyone laugh while reading your texts]. When responding to a compliment, make eye contact, smile, and use open gestures to reinforce your message. There were never complains that something is missing. Simply type in your list of names then spin the wheel! We respect your privacy. Your account is not active. When God talks to us, were schizophrenic. This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo. Men are like shoes. Stupidity isnt a crime. Answer (1 of 23): I am pretty straightforward about things like this. (Closed), Artist 'Invades' Major Capitals Around The World With Fluffy And Flossy Pink Drapes And The Result Is Adorable (56 Pics), Frozen In Time: I Explored The Largest Abandoned Amusement Park In Cyprus (16 Pics), My Sister And I Create Unique Pieces Of Wearable Art With Polymer Clay, And Here Are Our Best 70 Works, My 50 Vases And Other Handmade Contemporary Pieces With A Human Face, Hey Pandas, What's The Worst Rule You've Seen Someone Actually Try To Enforce? It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose! Your secrets are always safe with me. The guy who invented the other three, he was a genius. What on earth the others are here for I dont know. The two most common elements in the universe are hydrogen and stupidity. ~ Mae West, A successful man is one who makes more than his wife can spend. You can put your foot in your mouth and your head up your ass at the same time! At least theyre committed. Here are some of his best, and most hilarious, lines from the show. You can also upload a text file to the tool. Sepsis is a serious . Its always funny until someone gets hurt. Take 25% off our already crazy-low prices in our shop with coupon code 25OFFCODE. The stories you care about, delivered daily. Im a little busy right now, but Id love the chance to ignore you some other time. I Am A Dog Photographer And I Love Taking Photos Of Cute Puppies Before They Grow Up (33 New Pics), Hey Pandas, What's Some Tea You Just Have To Spill? some businesses don't respond to any as a rule. The simple act of opening a bottle of wine has brought more happiness to the human race than all the collective governments in the history of earth. Do they get smart just in time to ask questions? Everybody who is incapable of learning has taken to teaching. 35. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always. Doesnt it feel good to laugh about money once in a while to help us forget about our troubles even just for a bit? More:23 Actors You Didnt Even Know Were British. Hey Pandas, What Are Some Of Your Favorite Dad Jokes? bossed it, as I was reading the 16 year old's note I was thinking shes going to wish she didn't do that Because the old one went Kraang and stopped working Open coffee can, get a fistful, shove it down your throat and drink warm water. ~ Billy Crystal, They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug? Hey, whered you get that nose? I wish I were dumber so I could be more certain about my opinions. A lot of people say that it's capitalism for us and socialism for Corps. 60. I laughed way too hard at this. It's much more fun when you have a limited tool set to use against the odds. Have you ever noticed that anybody driving faster than you is a maniac, and anyone going slower than you is a moron? Hi, Im Lisa! [Read: How to be funny and make people love your company]. 1. And which statistic will actually surprise us? Thats why Im rooting for your penis. I had plastic surgery last week I cut up my credit cards. I drink to make other people more interesting. Think Of Hinge Questions As Message Bait. I feel for the person who wrote the original note tho. It would be nice to spend billions on schools and roads, but right now that money is desperately needed for political ads. ~ Bob Hope, I rob banks because thats where the money is. Is it your job to spread ignorance? 83. Click here to view. Leaving you with one last funny quote about work, "If you think your boss is stupid, remember: you wouldn't have a job if he was any smarter." ~ John Gotti. 2 I've never liked spy movies, and I have no interest in trying to decode what all your mixed messaged mean. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. You get to pick the color! Im sorry. Youll never be even half the man your mother is. Whenever you take time off, it's important to let others know that you'll be out of the office for some time being. Love is. So we did a little research to get the real lowdown on the odds and we discovered some very interesting information. Mkay. Ask a job seeker what his or her weaknesses are and chances are they will say they work too hard. Please don't mess with lost pet signs. The next time the cat gets your tongue, heres a big list of good, witty, nasty, funny sarcastic and clever comebacks for every conversation, no matter where you are! ~ Errol Flynn, Always live within your income, even if you have to borrow money to do so. ~ Steve Martin, If youre given the choice between money and sex appeal, take the money. Which is really kind of disturbing when you consider mans best friend is his dog. If ignorance barrel prices go up, I want drilling rights to his head. But ask the same people what traits they value in a leader, and odds are that humor will not top the list. Ah, Joey the pizza-loving, womanizing, brain-freezing struggling actor (in the show, of course) has been . Light travels faster than sound. He wont expect it back. The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese. 2023 LovePanky.com Privacy Policy | Terms of Service | About Us | Write for Us | Contact Us, How to be funny and make someone laugh over text just by being YOU, How to learn to be witty and win over everyone in the room, 20 wise medieval insults you could bring back into trend, 12 types of humor you can use and how it affects the people around you, How to be funny and make people love your company, 30 foolproof pickup lines and 10 you should never ever use, How to have playful banter and keep the flirting alive forever, 20 things you MUST know to master a dry sense of humor, The step-by-step guide to being a funny person and make everyone love your company. If you live to be one hundred, youve got it made. Don Marquis "People say nothing is impossible, but I do nothing every day." - A. Opposites attract, right? 80. Wall Street is now being called Wall Mart Street. 66. Its good to see youre not letting education get in the way of your ignorance. When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. "what are the odds" is synonymous with "what are the chances". This is a classic sign! Do you know why dogs have no money? They couldnt find three wise men and a virgin. If a mutual connection referred the candidate, mention their name. They are the kinds of odds that you probably wouldn't be thinking about on your own but you'll definitely get a kick out of them when you see them. Thinking of you not existing makes me want to masturbate. This might've been the best response in the bunch, if you ask me. But short people need jobs, too! 8. This factors in all tax returns filed including those filed by billionaires and huge corporations. Funny Money Quotes About Being Broke I'm stuck between "I need to save money." and "You only live once." ~ Anonymous Staying in bed all day is my way of saving money ~ Anonymous I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not. Age is just a number. Odds of winning $1 million in the McDonald's Monopoly game 1 in 451,822,158 Um, yeah, according to research done by Canadian structural engineer Michael Ross, you're gonna have to eat a whole. Get the very best of LovePanky straight to your inbox! This wasnt for any religious reasons. Hey Pandas, What Is Your Favorite Conspiracy Theory? 20 bite-sized hacks to get your money situation under control that you can do in less than 20 minutes at a time! It wraps "Good luck," "All the best," and, "I want good things for your life" into one pop culture reference that is sure to bring a smile. Mitch Hedberg A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists. Your privacy is protected. ~ Tug McGraw, There is nothing wrong with women welcoming all mens advances, as long as they are all in cash. 75. However, I dont recall anything about morons. Call a drug store and ask them which laxative is the most effective. We will not publish or share your email address in any way. Not too shabby. If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you. I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early. I live about four muggings from Central Park. ~ Anonymus, We live by the golden rule. 68. ~ George Burns, I like my money where I can see it, hanging in my closet. I thought I had the flu, but then I realized your face makes me sick to my stomach. I love everything about it. 2. Dont let your mind wander. Get the latest inspiring stories via our awesome iOS app! My pessimism extends to the point of even suspecting the sincerity of other pessimists. ~ Gary Reilly, Money isnt everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children. You can read more about it and change your preferences, Get the best of Bored Panda in your inbox. Different taste in jokes is a great strain on the affections. That little pain in the ass. [Read: 48 smart and sarcastic lines and quotes that kick ass!]. 20. It cant buy you money. Im just going to ask where theyre going and hook up with em later. This is a way to convey warmth and gratitude for the apology, while still honoring the emotional impact the hurt had. When somebody . "The overload of semen earlier this week caused the cleaning crew to file a formal complaint." To those of you who received honors, awards and distinctions, I say well done. Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment. Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache. Someone once said that the shortest period of time in America is the time between when the light turns green and when you hear the first horn honk. Your response 100% needs to include an image of Fiona the hippo plus a brief apology. Unfortunately, they dont have a J.O.B. Let's keep in touch and we'll send more your way. Food thieves are worst, Still the last one is funny! Wine is constant proof that God loves us and loves to see us happy. And trust us, once you use these lines, everyone will be ooh-ing to your snarky comments the next time someone dares to make fun of you! Starting a conversation is the ultimate goal. 25. Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away. Im sick of following my dreams, man. If you're dying laughing because of a text, go ahead and let that person know. ~ Martin Sheen, A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. 74. After that who cares? Hes a mile away and youve got his shoes! Published Apr 19, 2018. Ive seen your kind before but last time, I had to pay admission. That's discrimination! Everything is funny, as long as its happening to somebody else.